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Orlando City’s Holiday Table: Where do Players Slot into the Family?

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An imaginary family portrayal of the Orlando City Lions.

SOCCER: MAR 23 MLS - Orlando City SC at New York Red Bulls Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Thanksgiving has come and gone and as the holiday season has officially kicked off, it has me thinking: What might some of our favorite Lions be like around the holiday table? Everyone has a unique family, made up of characters with varying personalities. So, what role would some of the Orlando City players take at the family table?

Kyle Smith

Kyle is the cousin that loves his family so much but really wants to just sit around and listen to good music instead of forcing another conversation about his dad’s “good old days.” He’d much rather be in the corner introducing the younger generation to great films and music, while brushing off aunt Karen who is constantly criticizing his tattoos.

Alex De John

Alex is the neighbor who has been to holiday dinners since he moved in down the street. It’s not because his family doesn’t host dinners, they just do them early and he really loves to be around your family. He’ll probably bring his dogs and you’ll judge newcomers based on how they react to them.

Chris Mueller

Chris is your sister’s long-time boyfriend who loves giving the toast or reading the family prayer while injecting an inspirational quote he came across recently. He wants to be a part of the conversation and will talk your dad’s ear off while your father tries to carve the turkey. 10/10 would consider proposing at the dinner table.

Tesho Akindele

I feel like Tesho is the brother, who just had a baby and is letting his wife take full advantage of being out of the house and in a social setting. So, he’s in the living room watching football and corralling the baby, trying not to fall asleep in the process.

Robin Jansson

The Beefy Swede as he’s known around TML, is the fun but serious uncle. He’s willing to laugh and have a good time, but if you say something disrespectful he’s ready to fight. Don’t take it personally though, let him refill his plate and he’s back to the fun-loving uncle ready to keep the laughter going.

Dom Dwyer

Dom is clearly the fun uncle. You know the one, he’s always creating some kind game out of thin air, including the kids in game play, and probably willing to take a beating in the name of children’s “wrestling.” He’ll likely have everyone laughing around the table with stories, jokes, and impressions.

Ruan

Ruan is the responsible life of the party. Those ideas might sound contradictory, so let me explain. He’s definitely the one to ask your mom if he can help set the table, he’s probably taking the trash out, but he’s also going to get everyone off their feet to dance. He’s genuinely interested in the conversations happening around the table and praising every bite of food despite the potatoes being too chunky (or too smooth if you’re a heathen).

Nani

Nani is the friend that your brother brought home from college because he doesn’t have family here, and doesn’t really celebrate the holiday. He’ll definitely make every effort to show his gratitude for being invited and will even take a polite bite of the canned cranberry sauce. I imagine he’ll join the conversations when he can naturally insert commentary, but isn’t going out of his way to start or carry the conversation.

Bonus:

Kay Rawlins

I feel like it might go without saying, but she’s definitely the mom. She’s always out there doing good for the community and she bleeds purple win, lose, or draw. That kind of love and unwavering support can only come from the matriarch of the family.


That’s the make-believe situation I’ve created in this hot mess head of mine, and it’s meant in jest. Do you agree or disagree? Who are you adding and who has a role change at your table?