It’s Atlanta United week, which means it’s time for Atlanta fans to all make the same jokes about how Orlando City is actually Mickey Mouse SC. So original, I almost pissed myself laughing.
But because I speak for all Central Floridians, here are 15 things that are far more relevant to our daily lives than Disney World, which by the by, is not even in the city of Orlando.
- Publix: Nearly 800 stores dominate the Florida landscape, and the Pub sub reigns supreme in the land. And yes, Publix is in Atlanta too. But it’s a far bigger way of life down here.
- Alligators: Always assume that every body of water you swim in has at least half a dozen gators lurking around at any given time. Yes, that includes your pools. And most golf courses.
- Sinkholes: We got ’em, and the stadium will probably be consumed by one someday. Harsh, but that’s reality.
- Tiger Woods: We all know how well he’s doing here.
- Florida Man: No explanation needed.
- I-4: It’s statistically the most deadly highway in the United States and can make a five-mile drive turn into 50 minutes at any given time.
- University of Central Florida (UCF): Most fans didn’t graduate from there, but they take pride in slipping a Knights reference into the National Anthem anyway.
- Orlando Magic: They made the NBA finals in 2009 and have spiraled into a world of suck since then.
- Mike Bianchi: Love him or hate him, you probably hear more about Mike than you do the mouse south of town.
- 4 Rivers BBQ: You love it, I love it. Most importantly, it’s not The Varsity.
- Universal Studios: The Mummy is the best ride. Please don’t @ me.
- NASA: On a clear night, you can see any rocket launch into space. Even for me growing up farther north in Palm Coast, that was always cool.
- Oranges: Better than peaches, by the way. Debate me on that if if you want, but you’ll be wrong every time.
- Hurricanes: Guaranteed to scare the shit out of people at least once a year without causing any real inland damage.
- Snakes: Every now and again, some weirdo lets their pet cobra roam the streets. Once again, hello, Florida Man.
And that was literally just a list off the top of my head at almost 1 a.m. Please feel free to add your own in the comments below.
But mostly: do better, Atlanta fans. You’re in the top flight now.