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An Orlando City Festivus

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Celebrating another year of Orlando City soccer. It’s a Festivus for the rest of us!

MLS: Columbus Crew SC at Orlando City SC Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Happy Festivus! Okay, I know we’re a bit early as Festivus isn’t until Dec. 23, but story scheduling being what it is, here we are. If you are not familiar with Festivus, you can read more about it here. Mainly it is a holiday brought to us by one of the greatest sit-coms of all time, Seinfeld.

Festivus was created by the character, Frank Costanza. It’s probably best to hear about it’s beginnings from the man himself.

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us.
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.

There are some basic tenets when celebrating Festivus, and we’re going to do so in an Orlando City manner.

The Festivus Pole

When asked if there was a tree for Festivus, Frank replied:

“No. Instead there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.”

“It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.”

Orlando City has its own version in Yoshimar Yotún. There’s no doubt that Yoshi has shown high strength-to-weight ratio as he is listed at 5-foot-8 and 146 pounds. His impact on the field was immediate, and substantial. He didn’t require any decorations like a captain’s armband, but simply did his job. He was not flashy like tinsel (which is distracting), but he performed with precision. His accuracy on set pieces was a welcome addition to the team.

The Airing of Grievances

"I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!" - Frank Costanza

Let’s start with not making the playoffs...again! Really, Orlando City? You let Atlanta come in and make it in their first year, and you are in year three! You started out the season 6-1, and then fell to nearly the bottom of the table. Some players were arrested, and others were thrown out of Epcot. You brought in Dillon Powers and his wonderful headband, but couldn’t get him to produce! You let Carlos Rivas take free kicks, and I can only assume you did that because you didn’t like the Heineken sign or the people in the upper deck seats.

That felt good getting those grievances off my chest. There might be something to this holiday.

The Festivus Dinner

The traditional Festivus dinner is meatloaf on a bed of lettuce. This might be a stretch, but the grass is the bed of lettuce, and Dom Dwyer is the meatloaf. He rejoined Orlando City like a Bat Out of Hell. Granted it took him a little while to get a goal despite being All Revved Up with No Place to Go. He did however finally score some goals, and provide some assists. He didn’t give us one of his backflips, but Two out of Three Ain’t Bad. Now if you think we should definitely sign Dom to a longer contract, well You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth.

The Feats of Strength

At dinner, the head of the household tests his strength against a family member of his choosing. This means that someone has to fight Jason Kreis. Some might be upset that he was trying to force his 4-4-2 diamond with players that didn’t fit. Or perhaps that he couldn’t find a consistent back line. But let’s face it, none of us really want to try to pin the Skipper. Fortunately, Festivus can still end if the person challenged has something better to do. They sell craft beer in Orlando City Stadium, and having a beer has to be a better option than wrestling Jason Kreis.

I hope you have enjoyed this Orlando City Festivus. Now, I don’t want you to think that there’s no gift giving on Festivus. In fact, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve made a contribution to The Human Fund in each of your names.

I know what you’re thinking...it’s a Festivus Miracle! You’re welcome!