Cristiano Ronaldo won the European Championship with Portugal over the weekend, and it's a title that he deserves. The problem? It's impossible to root for the guy because he is such a poser. Oh, there's a group of cameramen over there? Give me that trophy, I've got to go stand in front of them and kiss it!
In other news, I would totally trade lives with Cristiano Ronaldo right now. No question about it.
1. FC Dallas (Last Week: 2)
Dallas reclaims the top spot following a win over San Jose. I've been saying it all year, but I'll take this opportunity to remind you: Dallas is my favorite to win the MLS Cup this season.
2. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 1)
Colorado drops to second this week after drawing on the road in Vancouver. This game reminded me that because Tim Howard returned to MLS, we get to see him go crazy every time his teammates make a dumb MLS play that leads to a goal or chance. I'm so excited for this.
3. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 5)
It's now July, which means every MLS pundit, analyst, talking head and small-time power ranker is saying, "Look out! LA is about to go on a roll!" It's not wrong analysis, even if it's popular. Last season about this time, LA won eight of 10, the year before it was four wins in five, which was just a prelude to a 10-game unbeaten streak later in the year. Bruce Arena devours the late summer like ditzy girls devour free shots at the bar on a Friday night. I suppose I'll join the growing chorus line; look out for LA in the coming weeks.
4. New York City FC (Last Week: 4)
Patrick "Pat" Vieira blamed NYCFC's tiredness for the Soccer Yankees' loss at Kansas City on Sunday night, which is totally fair. Andrea Pirlo is as close in age to Diego Maradona as he is his teammate Jack Harrison (they are each 18 years apart). To add some icing to that cake, Maradona retired when Harrison was not yet a year old.
5. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 6)
The Champs are riding a seven-game unbeaten streak back into relevancy. As a USMNT fan, here's to hoping Darlington Nagbe takes his Copa América experience and parlays it into a dominant second half for the Oregonians.
6. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 3)
RSL is sitting third in the West despite a defense that has let in the third-most goals in that conference. If RSL is going to make noise long term this season, the ageless Nick Rimando will have to play a big part.
7. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 8)
The Artists Formerly Known as the Wiz have now won two in a row, are unbeaten in five and find themselves in the thick of the race for the third seed out West. Unless Colorado has a swift drop off (which is more likely than you might think), the story of the Western Conference will all be about seeding in hopes of avoiding Dallas and LA come playoff time.
8. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 7)
So Didier Drogba is rehabbing an injury in Qatar and there are rumors flying that he isn't all the way committed to the Impact? Say it ain't so! I think the guy must be crazy. Really though, who goes to Qatar in the summer? Are you trying to die of a heat stroke?
9. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 11)
Philly beat D.C. in one of those East Coast rivalry matches, and Ilsinho scored twice to help them do it. If I were Brazilian, pretty sure Ilsinho would be in my top-10 most likely name choices. That and Socrates.
10. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 10)
Vancouver has allowed the second-most goals in the league this season, but still clings to the last playoff spot in the West. Perhaps the Caps can turn it around, but my gut is telling me that their two-year playoff streak may be at an end.
11. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 9)
New York traded away Lloyd Sam presumably to make way for DP Gonzalo Veron, but I think it goes a little deeper. The Bulls' USL team is doing really well, and there are a few attacking players who should be knocking on the door of the big club soon enough. Trading Sam might hurt in the short term, but it was going to happen sooner rather than later, and it was smart business by the Red Bulls to get rid of that asset before it eroded away on the bench.
12. Toronto FC (Last Week: 14)
Giovinco ripped his jersey open Hulk Hogan style after missing a chance this week, which made me wonder what would happen if an MLS team signed Hulk Hogan to a contract. Can we bring Chivas USA back expressly for this purpose?
13. D.C. United (Last Week: 15)
So D.C.'s starting striker this week was named Kamara. If you thought D.C. could be any less creative in its team-building philosophy, think again.
14. Orlando City (Last Week: 13)
I'm saying this as a Louisville City fan: I swear to God if you guys take James O'Connor from us I'll start an anonymous smear campaign about Mickey Mouse that will ruin Disney World and with it the tourist sector of Orlando's economy.
In other (more rational) news, I don't expect O'Connor to be that high on the list, and for what it's worth he is not commenting on the situation out of respect for Adrian Heath. Read into that as much or as little as you will.
15. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 12)
San Jose has lost two in a row and hasn't won since May 11. Portugal might have won the European Championship playing boring soccer, but by gawd San Jose won't win the MLS doing it.
16. New England Revolution (Last Week: 16)
New England scored a goal in the most MLS way possible this week. I'll just let the video do the talking, and try not to smack yourself in the face:
17. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 17)
Houston played Orlando to a scoreless draw this week, which is to be expected when two teams who fired their coaches mid-season meet up.
18. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 18)
Seattle dominated possession Saturday against LA, but looked about as creative as a gray cinder block in the attack. Again, to echo everyone who watches soccer, Seattle needs a creative attacker to make up for the loss of Obafemi Martins. Also, Clint Dempsey was dreadful in this game.
19. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 19)
So I learned this week that Chicago has beaches on Lake Michigan? I had no idea. If I were a Fire front office employee, I would use this fact to recruit players. Oh wait, I forgot that the Chicago Fire play nowhere near downtown Chicago. Never mind.
20. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 20)
Columbus has now grown past a dumpster fire and has graduated into a medical dumpster fire. You shouldn't stand too close because you don't know what kind of diseases those flames have.