Being the best team in the Eastern Conference this year will be a lot like being the skinniest kid at fat camp, the least pimply faced kid in line to buy Proactiv, or being called the prettiest girl in rural Eastern Kentucky. You might be the best around, but you don't have to go very far to find better.
1. FC Dallas (Last Week: 1)
Dallas' loss this week broke its six-game unbeaten run, which is the longest such run in the league so far this year. Sometimes you get the hiccups, and sometimes Dallas will lose. Doesn't mean either will become the norm.
2. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 5)
Two straight weeks that the Galaxy have annihilated their opponents, though this week's victims appear to actually be a good team. Again, as I noted last week, LA has done this without the services of Robbie Keane. Who knew Mike "I Actually Won MVP in This League!" Magee was a capable substitute for MLS's favorite Irishman.
Also, this is so very true:
I love it when Gyasi Zardes' shitty touches become unintentionally brilliant assists— Kevin McCauley (@kevinmccauley) April 24, 2016
3. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 2)
My favorite part of RSL's loss at LA this week? When Steven Gerrard scored LA's last goal, answering the question "What would it look like if a really old English guy tried to play a professional sport?" Stevie G looked like a baby deer finding his legs on the goal.
With RSL's loss, there are no more undefeated teams in MLS.
4. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 6)
Remember when Jurgen Klinsmann used Jermaine Jones much higher up the field against Belgium in the World Cup in lieu of a physical striker? I think Pablo Mastroeni watched that game.
Also, never underestimate what adding someone with a real killer instinct can do to a team in sports. Before Jones showed up, Colorado was a wad of cookie dough. Now? They're carved out of wood.
5. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 7)
It wasn't the prettiest of wins but the San Jose Earthquakes stayed unbeaten at home in 2016, defeating Sporting Kansas City 1-0 on Sunday.
This could describe every game San Jose has played for the last four years. If I were the beat writer covering the Quakes this would be my opener for every recap story.
6. Toronto FC (Last Week: 8)
Toronto beat Montreal on the road this week for its third road victory on the Operation Stay Afloat World Tour. I really wish they would just be a designated road team for the entire season, so we can finally put the myth of home-field advantage in MLS to bed.
7. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 3)
Montreal played outside at home for the first time this year, which means that Didier Drogba's delicate feet were finally able to take the field at home. I'm sure all those Montreal fans were finally glad to get the full value of their tickets this week.
8. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 4)
Three losses in a row for the Artists Formerly Known as the Wiz. After starting the year with three consecutive wins, SKC's season is a perfect mirror of itself: W-W-W-L-W-L-L-L.
9. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 11)
Philly beat NYCFC, which is like beating up a pretentious rich kid who wears a bow tie to his elementary school that doesn't even have a dress code. It just feels good.
10. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 13)
Vancouver is currently on the outside looking in on the Western Conference playoff race, while if they were in the East they would be in fourth place. That's just about all you need to know about the Grand Canyon-esque gap between the two conferences.
11. Orlando City (Last Week: 8)
Losing to the Red Bulls is like losing in poker to a guy who doesn't even know how to stack his chips. He's just sitting there with a big messy pile, all the chip denominations are mixed together, he has no clue how deep his stack actually is, but then he hits runner-runner to complete his straight flush and you're just stuck there wondering why everyone else gets to enjoy life.
Good job, Orlando. You lost to that guy.
12. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 10)
Portland had the week off, which means we were saved of seeing Caleb Porter whine while awkwardly wearing a scarf over his JC Penny Men's Collection suit.
13. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 12)
In case you missed it, Sigi Schmid was on crutches this week for Seattle's loss at Colorado. Can't wait for next week, when he coaches from one of these bad boys.
14. D.C. United (Last Week: 17)
If D.C. united were a car, it would be that old, rusty jalopy that my friend Wes drove in high school. He might not have gotten many chicks in it, but it got him from point A to point B.
15. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 19)
Just like that, after two wins in a row Columbus is back into the Eastern Conference playoffs.
16. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 20)
I was glad to learn during the FS1 broadcast of New York's win this weekend that there will actually be a wooden spoon awarded to the supporters of the last place team in MLS this season. Finally, there will actually be a booby prize in a professional sports league in America. We've reached the summit, y'all.
17. New England Revolution (Last Week: 17)
Robert Kraft, who owns the Revs, was at the Celtics playoff game this week (that's basketball, by the way). By my count, Kraft has been to more Celtics games than Revs games. Granted, I just started counting this weekend, but still.
18. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 18)
19. New York City FC (Last Week: 15)
New York and Head Coach Patrick "Pat" Vieira are winless in six games -- good for the longest streak in the league. Remember when the biggest outrage around this team was its Manchester City-esque uniforms? Man, that seems like a long time ago.
20. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 16)
Poor Houston. After a 5-0 domination of Dallas, the Dynamics haven't had a win in five attempts. I'm beginning to wonder if Houston was actually better than Dallas that day, or if Dallas let its "little brother" have one the same way my brother used to let me win Monopoly back before I could actually count.
21. PRO (Last Week: Unranked)
Because I like shitting on the referees just as much as everyone else on the internet.