Wanna hear a funny joke? The Eastern Conference. Get it?! Because the East is a joke!
The Eastern Conference is so bad right now that only the top three teams on that side of the league would be above the playoff line if, say, MLS went to a single-table system. One potential factor? Defense, or lack thereof.
The East is home to three of the four highest scoring attacks in the league, as well as the bottom five defenses, in terms of total goals.
1. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 1)
LA lost, but LA stays first. Just because the king wakes up with a cold doesn't mean he stops being the king.
2. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 2)
The 'Caps have just twice lost back-to-back games and their next three (Colorado, Seattle, NYCFC) look like victories.
3. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 3)
Your latest installment in "Who Pooped the Bed: MLS Edition." Chicago Fire 3, New York Red Bulls 2.
4. FC Dallas (Last Week: 4)
5. Columbus Crew SC (Last Week: 5)
6. New England Revolution (Last Week: 9)
7. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 12)
San Jose is the hottest team in the league and has outscored its opponents 9-0 over this four-game winning streak.
That really hurt for me to type. Please excuse me while I go bang my head against my fridge.
Thankfully for those of us that like to watch exciting soccer, the 'Quakes would currently miss the playoffs, though they have a game in hand on sixth-place Seattle.
8. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 6)
SKC is in a full blown free fall right now. The Artists Formerly Known as The Wiz have lost three straight, with the most recent loss coming on the road to Colorado. On the plus side, SKC is averaging 1.6 points taken from every contest -- which is good for second in the league -- and, with Dallas, has three games in hand on league points leader LA.
9. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 8)
Do you think there are hardcore Sounders fans that don't watch Portlandia just because it takes place in Portland? I'm putting the over/under at 1200 Emerald City Supporters.
10. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 10)
11. Toronto FC (Last Week: 11)
Toronto is finally clicking! Altidore has scored three goals in two games, Michael Bradley is skipping a USA match to stick around, and Giovinco is still the... oh wait.
Toronto just can't seem to get their best players playing their best at the same time.
12. D.C. United (Last Week: 7)
With six matches left in the regular season, this is not a good time for D.C. to have lost three straight.
13. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 15)
14. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 18)
Colorado has won three in a row, and still has one of the stingiest defenses in the league. They have given up a league-low 27 goals this year.
15. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 13)
As it stands right now, RSL is in last place in the West.
Fun fact: RSL has accumulated more points this season than the bottom five teams in the East. One of those five will make the playoffs. Meanwhile, RSL is six points below the playoff line in the West.
16. Orlando City (Last Week: 17)
I'm sure you know this, but Orlando has won just one of its last 10 games.
Perhaps Saturday night's rain was suitable for the mood?
17. New York City FC (Last Week: 16)
The New York City
Soccer Futbol Fusball Futsal Association Football Football Club still hasn't figured out how to turn all that money into victories.
18. Montréal Impact (Last Week: 15)
Our French-Canadian friends have fallen on hard times of late, but have only played 23 games so far this season. With the East playoff picture looking more like a middle school food fight than a race, Montréal is very much alive. Given their recent tournament play success
and Didier Drogba, I doubt anyone really wants to see them in the playoffs.
19. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 20)
Chicago won a game! Hooray for Chicago!
Chicago has a chance to make the playoffs! Hooray for alcohol!