After a few weeks in the shop for re-calibration and routine maintenance, the ShadeThrower 5000 is back just in time for this weekend's match between the Orlando City Lions and New Jersey Red Bulls.
What? They're still called the New York Red Bulls? But, MLS has a team that's actually in New York now. Are we still putting on this façade? We are? Nah, I'm not.
The Harrison, NJ Red Bulls have been claiming New York as home as early as their inception, but at least had the decency to call themselves the New York/New Jersey MetroStars their first two seasons. Or, the audacity to claim two states as their home, in an attempt to tap into that juicy New York market, while operating in cost-friendly New Jersey.
Gone are the days of anybody above the Jersey Shore IQ threshold willingly claiming Jersey, however. In 1998, the club dropped the "New Jersey" part of its name faster than it dropped 1996 draft pick Juninho.
No, not that Juninho. Juninho Paulista is the "Juninho" fans thought they were getting. Edivaldo "Juninho" Sarafim-DaSilva is the "Juninho" you draft to get yourself a headline.
Fake Juninho never played a game for the MetroStars, anyway. This is the equivalent of a college jam band naming themselves The Beetles as a cheap attempt to sell tickets to their shows, only for fans to not show up anyway.
How fitting for the Fake Yanks.
The supporters believe in this team, despite joining the NFL's Giants and Jets as refusing to claim their home state in their name. It's hard to blame them, because New Jersey is, well, New Jersey. The only major team left claiming the state is the NHL's Devils, now that the NBA's Nets have earned the New York title, calling Brooklyn their home since they play in, y'know, Brooklyn.
Even Frank Sinatra, born in Hoboken, sang of the wonder of New York.
We'll go a little easy on New Jersey this week, as they deserve some credit for blessing our existence with the otherworldly punk band Bouncing Souls, but despite ol' Frankie and the Souls being from the state, let's all remember one thing as we storm the Citrus Bowl for three points this Saturday night.
New Jersey also did this to us.