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Throwin' Shade: A Little Friendly Pre-Match Banter for the Chicago Fire

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The pizza is legendary, the hot dogs are fantastic, but the sports? Well, the non-ice sports in Chicago are so sad it's almost hard to laugh at them. Almost.

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

The Lions of Orlando City head to Bridgeview, Illinois this weekend to put out the Chicago Fire and bring three points back to the City Beautiful after pulling five points out of nine possible in their past three league games.

They won't be putting out the Great Chicago Fire, obviously. You know, the city-wide fire in 1871 that left a third of the city's population homeless, destroyed over 17,000 buildings, and (somehow) became the namesake of this team. They'll be putting out the MLS team, you know, the one that's been around since 1998 and still has an average attendance of about half ours.

The Bridgeview Fire, as they would be called if they weren't ashamed to call their home "home," are a real plastic bag on the solid city that is Chicago. It's a shame, too, as there are just so many things that the city does right.

Our first example will be pizza, because damn does Chicago do it well. I'm not talking about that flimsy, foldable garbage New Yorkers never stop shouting over each other about. No, I'm talking about rich, hearty, artery-clogging pie full of various meats, cheese, and marinara also known in some circles as ambrosia.

Of course, Chicago's ability to make food that tastes so good, make you wanna slap yo momma doesn't begin and end with the pizza. The hot dogs are absolutely ridiculous, and they're serious business in the Windy City. A gubernatorial candidate once ordered ketchup on a dog, and the city damn near had his head on a pike for it.

This city has a legitimate chart laying the groundwork for how to make a real hot dog, a meal you can be proud of anywhere, but is best in the city that created it.

It isn't just the food that sets Chicago apart, having a seriously renowned music scene that can be appreciated from a variety of musical tastes. I'm talking about Nat King Cole, Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Fall Out Boy, Smashing Pumpkins, Flatfoot 56, Styx, and the immortal Screeching Weasel, not to mention successful rappers like Common, Soulja Boy and Kanye West.

Wait.. Wasn't Chicago responsible for Chaka Khan? Okay, maybe their music scene isn't that great.

In fact, maybe the city as a whole isn't really that great. I mean, the nickname for the place is the "Second City," and nobody much likes the runner-up. They have two Major League Baseball teams, but just one world series since Woodrow Wilson was president. Their football team has the worst $100 million player in the NFL. Their basketball team can't win without Michael. They have this thing about government officials committing felonies.

Oh, and remember that time Chicago was totally going to host the Olympics?

Classic.

This Saturday night our boys walk into Bridgeview and show their I-4 brethren the Tampa Bay Lightning what it takes to beat a team in the Chicagoland area.

Where will you be watching when they do?