Have you ever been at work and someone just didn't want to step up and take responsibility, so you did?
Like say someone pooped in the closet and your boss is furious, so he calls everyone in for a meeting. He says that, unless someone steps up and claims responsibility, everyone will be forced to come in on Saturday. Everyone awkwardly shifts from one foot to the other and looks around, but no one dares make a peep. So, rather then work your Saturday away, you step up and claim the closet poop despite the fact that you didn't do it.
The closet poop is this week's number one spot. No one wants it, but someone has to take it.
1. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 3)
If there's one thing I've tried to establish in the 12 weeks of this column, it is that I loathe 0-0 draws. Whenever I watch one, I feel like someone took two hours from me that I could have better spent taking a nap. They're evil. I really believe that.
Seattle drew at home this week to KC by the score 0-0. Meanwhile, Dallas and NYRB both lost to teams that have gotten so comfortable at the bottom of these rankings that they've begun to pick out curtains. What am I left to do? Seattle moves into first this week by no effort of their own.
Thankfully for me, Seattle stepped up and claimed the closet poop. Kind of makes you rethink the Dempsey face, huh?
2. FC Dallas (Last Week: 1)
3. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 2)
4. New England Revolution (Last Week: 4)
5. D.C. United (Last Week: 5)
6. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 6)
For moments, Columbus looks like it could be the most dangerous team in the East. That is until they let in a few goals to bring my giddiness down to Earth. If the Crew can begin to consistently string together complete performances on both ends of the field, then look out, MLS. However, that's a big if.
7. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 10)
Robbie Keane is back. 'Nuf said.
8. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 8)
9. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 7)
10. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 12)
The Ineptitude Standings (Number of times a team is involved in a 0-0)
1. Colorado, SKC, RSL and Portland (3)
2. Dallas, New England and Seattle (2)
3. Houston, Colombus, LA, Montreal, NYCFC, NYRB, Philly, and Vancouver (1)
So far, 15 of the 20 MLS teams have been involved in a 0-0 draw. Let's make it 20! Parity is so much fun!
11. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 11)
12. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 10)
13. Toronto FC (Last Week: 13)
Sebastian Giovinco is seemingly dragging Toronto along on his tiny little Italian shoulders. The Atomic Ant has had a hand in nine of Toronto's 14 goals thus far, and has scored the winner in two of the Reds' four victories. In a league where 0-0 draws and games decided by penalties happen nearly every week, goals like this one are refreshing.
14. Orlando City (Last Week: 14)
After last week's shellacking of LA, Orlando showed the kind of grit and effort that has been lacking thus far in the hairy moments of games. Despite going a man down, the Lions had a number of good chances in the Blue Jean Palace by the Bay. Is it too early to call this two-game unbeaten swing positive momentum?
15. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 16)
16. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 17)
17. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 15)
I've written in this space before about the chance that Caleb Porter is on the hot seat. Consider this to be fuel added to the fire: Portland is averaging the fewest points per game in the Western Conference, and the third fewest in the league. In a world where last season's European Champions fired their manager, Porter isn't safe.
18. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 18)
Montreal has won two straight. Confidence is a dangerous thing, and perhaps their showing in the Azteca has given this group the crazy idea that they can make some noise in the league. (They wouldn't be wrong, by the way. Lots of MLS teams like to lose games at weird times.)
19. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 20)
20. New York City FC (Last Week: 19)
The Soccer Yankees haven't won a game since March 15th, and in that span have lost seven of 10. That's a really easy way to find the bottom.