This weekend, Orlando City SC welcomes the San Jose Earthquakes on the heels of a majestic 4-0 thrashing of the defending MLS Cup champions, the LA Galaxy. The Earthquakes' home base sits about 350 miles north of our latest victims, so we won't need to change the trajectory of the ShadeThrower 5000 much to get San Jose in the crosshairs.
San Jose used to call its team the Clash, debuting with a giant thud in the form of just one playoff appearance in four years, with the outlier coming in 1996. Desperate to stir up interest in the club, they decided to go with what should possibly be the most offensive name to local residents, as earthquakes have been documented to torment residents dating to 1839, at least.
Starting as the first civilian town in Spanish colony Nueva California, the farming community grew to be California's first capital after receiving statehood in 1850.
It took just four years for legislators to realize how unremarkable San Jose is, moving the capital to Sacramento in 1854. Here we are, 161 years later, and guess what? San Jose is still forgettable.
Not just the Earthquakes, who haven't seen a championship since 2003. Not just Kelley Park, which features a major attraction in the form of a replica of the San Jose Light Tower – although, we need to clarify just how silly this is. It's a giant replica of a giant tower with a light on top of it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a San Jose "attraction."
This is also the city responsible for Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech from Saved By The Bell, but also known as that kid actor that stabbed a guy.
And let's not forget actress Kate Walsh calls ole SJ home. You're likely thinking, "Who the hell is Kate Walsh?" Kate Walsh is that no talent hack from Grey's Anatomy that spent 21 episodes trying to ruin the magnificence that was the Drew Carey Show.
Shame on you, Ms. Walsh. You are not forgiven.
San Jose has been hot so far this year, leaping out to a 5-4-2 record that is good for 17 points in 11 games on the back (boot?) of USMNT representative Chris Wondolowski, who has accounted for six of the team's 12 goals.
This Sunday night, I'll gladly take the well-oiled machine we saw corralling LA last weekend matched up against Wondo, 10 times out of 10. As for goalkeeper David Bingham?
I hear the purple-clad lads have figured out how to score a goal or two.
Thanks in advance for the three points, San Jose. We'd stay for a while to take in the sights, but let's face it.
There aren't any.