clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

An Open Letter to the Idiot with the Laser Pointer

New, 9 comments

When a large group of people get together, occasionally an undeniable idiot will make a concerted effort to not only shift focus onto themselves, but also to disrupt the purpose of the gathering entirely. Lucky for me, I have a public forum to address such an idiot.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Idiotic Fan,

I'm writing this on behalf of all people who like to call themselves fans and supporters of our beloved Orlando City Lions. This team has stolen the city's heart, providing not just a competitive major sports franchise, but valued members of the community.

We have collectively grown proud to wear the purple that reflects our appreciation for this club, and this club's proud to call Orlando it's home. It's a mutual love that is rare in modern American sports, and one that warrants recognition and appreciation.

When you do something to distract from the product on the pitch, you aren't being funny. You aren't being a cool soccer hooligan. You're being an idiot.

For the sake of simplicity, I'll refer to you solely as "Idiot" for the purpose of this letter.

This is the big leagues, bud. It isn't cute to sneak in laser pointers to shine at the players. It isn't cute to throw garbage onto the pitch. It isn't cute to drag the damn good name of Orlando City SC through the dirt with your thoughtless acts of disruption.

I'm currently watching the NBA Draft Lottery, and the fact that this exists isn't even the dumbest thing I've come across this week. It comes in a distant second to you, Idiot.

And, Idiot, you have truly set the bar low. Being Laser Pointer Guy is worse than Phone On The Elevator Guy, worse than Beanie and Sandals Guy, worse than Movie Theater Texting Guy. While all those guys truly, fantastically suck, none of them have put our Lions at risk of losing a goal.

Imagine if a card gets pulled when a Galaxy player goes down due to your stupid little toy.

It is important to me, to all of us, that you know you are not indicative of what being an Orlando City fan really is. Unfortunately, we don't write this narrative. We can't. You have written it for us. A narrative of disruptive, unruly fans.

We're better than that. Over time, we'll prove it. We all care too much about the club and the city it represents to give it anything less than a fan base it deserves.

That's a fan base without you, Idiot. You're not worthy.