clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Mane Land MLS Power Rankings: Week 5

Finally, we have some goals! You all get extra credit this week! (Except you, Colorado. Sorry.)

"So then I said, 'HEY PORTER! HERE'S A TISSUE!' Isn't that funny?" - Oscar Pareja
"So then I said, 'HEY PORTER! HERE'S A TISSUE!' Isn't that funny?" - Oscar Pareja
Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Did you ever know a guy who would totally change personalities after a few beers? Normally he tells really good stories, is a good wing man, and is generally a great guy to have around. But after he's been at the bar for one too many he just goes off the deep end and there's nothing you can do but babysit him and make sure he stays out of other people's food. That guy is MLS, and last week MLS was drunk. This week? He's back to that good old guy we all know and love.

Per usual, if you missed any action check out Wade Williams' recap.

1. FC Dallas (Last Week: 1)

2. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 2)

Reader who likes to get angry on the Internet: "HOW COULD YOU KEEP THE TOP TWO THE SAME! BOTH OF THOSE TEAMS LOST! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! CURSE WORDS! ANGRY THREATS OF BODILY HARM!"

You're right, angry reader. Both teams did lose this weekend. However, I'm not prepared to put any other teams up here just based on one result. Dallas has been the hottest team in the league thus far, and losing at Portland isn't something to be ashamed about. As for LA? Well, let's just say it's April and Bruce Arena is in charge. The champs will be fine.

3. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 3)

4. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 4)

The biggest story-line from a Seattle perspective this week was the return of Osvaldo Alonso. The three-time all-star is an original Sounder (in terms of their MLS history) and is arguably their most important player. Remember all their defensive woes from earlier this season? Chances are, now that Ozzie is back, some of those problems may disappear. Look for the defending Supporters' Shield and U.S. Open Cup champs to move up in the coming weeks. This week was just too soon.

5. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 9)

How about Vancouver? After losing at home to Toronto on opening day, the 'Caps have rattled off four straight victories to rise to the top of the Western Conference and Supporters' Shield standings. Can they maintain it? When you look at all the promising players on this roster, the potential for a title contender is there. In the contest for "Most Interesting MLS Story Outside of Dallas," Vancouver has taken the early lead this season.

6. D.C. United (Last Week: 5)

7. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 6)

That game against San Jose was ugly, but RSL won. The new 4-3-3 experiment will take some time after years of RSL's patented diamond midfield, but if there's a team in MLS that can figure it out, my money would be on Salt Lake.

8. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 7)

9. New York City FC (Last Week: 11)

10. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 15)

Portland should be a playoff team this year, and once Diego Valeri gets healthy you'll really see this team take off. Until then, they'll be tough to beat at home with the potential to pull off really entertaining victories like they did this weekend against Dallas. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that their coach doesn't accept charitable snot donations either.

This whole thing is so fun that I officially can't wait for these teams to meet in the playoffs. These kinds of organic rivalries that are between the actual teams, as opposed to the fan bases, are exactly what MLS needs. Bring on the petty, egotistical, silliness that #TissueGate was. I want more. I just hope when Dallas wins the rematch, Oscar Pareja mails Caleb Porter a whole box of tissues.

11. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 13)

If the SKC-Philly game was poorly played, it was at least entertaining. Two goals in stoppage time! Pretty good.

12. New England Revolution (Last Week: 14)

13. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 10)

14. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 17)

Don't look now, but Chicago has won two straight. Harry Shipp just won't stop sailing along. (God what a lame pun. Let's move on.)

15. Toronto FC (Last Week: 9)

Really, TFC?! Can you just be good already so I don't feel so stupid for jumping on your bandwagon? I'm beginning to feel like I'm the guy at the party who stuck around after everyone else realized there wasn't going to be booze.

16. Orlando City (Last Week: 12)

All right guys, calm down. You want to know something that'll make you feel a little better? 12 teams will make the playoffs this year. 12! If the postseason started today, Orlando City would still be alive.

17. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 19)

18. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 16)

19. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 18)

20. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 20)

Colorado hasn't scored a goal in its first four games, and yet still has three points. Please, Colorado, make like a tree and get out of here.