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MLS Week 5 Recap: Highlights from Around Major League Soccer

Shaun Maloney and Dom Dwyer tallied their first goals of the season, but neither comes close to the assault Obafemi Martins dished out against Houston.

Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Since we all spent Easter weekend undoubtedly recovering from the hellish hangover of a second straight stoppage time loss at home, allow me to give you a tour of the rest of the MLS action that you just couldn't bring yourself to watch.

Chicago Fire 3 - 2 Toronto FC

While a lot of hype has surrounded Toronto's big three of Michael Bradley, Jozy Altidore, and Giovinco, it took just 15 minutes for Chicago to Fire back with their own star power, as Shaun Maloney played this disgusting 1-2 with Joevin Jones, rewarding the speedy fullback for his early work rate.

Toronto responded with an unbelievable sequence worthy of every last bit of praise it gets, a truly beautiful play with something called a "finish" at the end.

Count 'em, that's four straight one-touch passes to free Ashtone Morgan out, who then has nothing left to do but see the Atomic Ant and immediately give him the ball.

Maloney whipped the Chicago crowd back into a frenzy with his first ever MLS goal, tying the game at 2-2 in the 56th, accepting a nutty feed from Harrison Shipp before an even nuttier dribble to get into position.

David Accam and company kept pressure high, but the scoreboard remained even when Warren Creavalle was sent off in the 67th for his second doofus foul of the match.

The first, from the fourth minute.

And the second.

Whoops.

Jeff Larentowicz would accept the free kick, bending one into the corner and making Toronto pay for the disservices of Creavalle.

Joe Bendik was put to work several times down the stretch, but managed to keep Chicago from a fourth tally with some top class work between the pipes.

The teams with Hot Time In Old Town and Waking The Red both have a lot to be excited about from their sides, but only the former is celebrating with three points.

Colorado Rapids 0 - 2 New England Revolution

It may be time to set up a second tier league for relegation, if for nothing else than to give both the Rapids' fans some hope for a win. Hell, even a goal. It's now been 600 minutes of scoreless soccer for those poor souls.

Juan Agudelo gave the fans a sight they haven't seen from their boys in quite some time.

A goal.

Lee Nguyen would provide insurance in the 55th, setting the Revs up for good at 2-nil.

They're celebrating back-to-back wins at The Bent Musket, while Burgundy Wave is watching highlights from 2010.

Seattle Sounders 1 - 0 Houston Dynamo

It was an uneventful match-up in Seattle, despite the return of several key players from international duty. After about 38 minutes of staring at each other, Lamar Neagle linked up with Clint Dempsey, who was more than willing to play on Obafemi Martins for a touch of brilliance in an otherwise dull 90 minutes.

Following a spin move that made fans remember Gary Payton (and how unceremoniously the Sonics left town...wait...let's save that for Throwin' Shade), Martins rockets the game winner past Tyler Deric to stake his own claim to MLS Goal of the Week.

Gonzalo Pineda was so frustrated with the slow play of the match he kicked Ricardo Clark in the chest just to get out of there early.

Sounder At Heart is still talking about Martins' spin move, while Dynamo Theory is noticing more and more holes in that theory of theirs.

Vancouver Whitecaps 2 - 0 LA Galaxy

Vancouver continued its early season run of fine form, winning its fourth straight to take hold of the top of the Western Conference table in the opening weeks of the season.

With an unusual dominance of possession in the first half, the 'Caps had no problem keeping the Galaxy out of threatening David Ousted in the box, who finished the first 45 minutes without moving a muscle. As we all assuredly know by now, however, possession does not necessarily equal goals.

Sometimes, it just takes a sparkling counter attack and someone like Kekuta Manneh to finish.

Celebrating a goal at home.. Oh, how fun that looks.

Octavio Rivero would be the star of the second goal, first making a nifty run, before a slick dribble to be left for a scoop by Nicolas Mezquida, leaving Rivero in prime position to pick up the scraps and seal another three points for the 'Nadians up north.

Eighty Six Forever is just as surprised as the rest of us with their early season run, while LAG Confidential are wondering if they can stay afloat through this Donovan/Gerrard transition that has left them without a star man in the middle.

Portland Timbers 3 - 1 FC Dallas

Portland moved into second place out west, netting their 10th points of the young season against a diminished FC Dallas side that was missing Mauro Diaz and, for much of the match, the en fuego Blas Perez.

The two clubs traded horrendous lapses in set piece defense to serve up a 1-1 setting for Max Urutti to impose his will on the scoreboard.

Diego Chara showed he may just be the fastest man on the planet with his run to put Portland up for good at 3-1.

Despite the quality goals scored, it was undoubtedly Caleb Porter reminding Oscar Pareja that the only thing that matters is the "scoreboard, man" while entirely deflecting Pareja's shade right back at him.

Beauty, Mr. Porter. We salute you.

Join Stumptown Footy while they toast Sir Porter's excellence, and see how Big D Soccer responds to the whole incident.

San Jose Earthquakes 0 - 1 Real Salt Lake

San Jose's Innocent proved he was anything but late in the first half, fouling Luke Mulholland to set up this free kick from Javier Morales.

At least most of San Jose jumped.

Morales stays with the ball well after slamming into the wall on his first attempt, the second slamming into the good side of the crossbar with enough juice on it to cross the line for a goal.

Adam Jahn tried hard to equalize, but even the deepest, darkest corners of his bag of tricks couldn't get him the goal he so desperately had worked to score.

Center Line Soccer is dealing with back-to-back losses, and check out what the team at RSL Soapbox thinks of their unbeaten start to the 2015 season.

Sporting Kansas City 3 - 2 Philadelphia Union

In what was a thrilling second leg of Sunday's double header, KC and Philadelphia threw everything they had at each other in this primetime showcase between two stellar MLS squads.

It was Jacob Peterson who struck early in the third minute, slotting this one into his own net to give the lead away to the Union.

Dom Dwyer didn't like this one bit, and rectified the error 12 minutes later with a header from the corner to even things out at 1.

Only for Fernando Aristeguieta to capitalize on yet another set piece to return the lead to Philadelphia.

The action held true until stoppage time, when things began to get a bit wacky.

First, Jalil Anibaba put this beautiful dome on an Espinosa chip to equalize in the 91st as the KC faithful collectively freak out at the prospect of stealing a point in the game's waning moments.

Three minutes later, Krisztian Nemeth earned himself a highlight worthy of the recognition it's receiving, utterly thieving three points from the grasp of Philadelphia.

It was Philadelphia's sixth goal allowed off set pieces, a league worst.

Second place?

Orlando City. Blah.

The Blue Testament is reading from the Book of Krisztian, while Brotherly Game is finding nothing brotherly about this result at all.

While some could rightly argue for Krisztian Nemeth or Obafemi Martins for play of the week, my nominee is from the only play that left a memory I didn't drink away following the result in Orlando Friday night.

No, it wasn't a goal. But it sure was pretty. What say you, Mane Land? Was Martins' NBA-esque spin move or Javier Morales' free kick more impressive, or did they simply leave you jaded with our own attack?