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Throwin' Shade: A Little Trash Talk for D.C. United

The worst thing about D.C.? Josh Wicks stamp. Wait no, the failed move to Baltimore. Wait no, the numerous rejected stadium proposals. Wait no, losing more games than goals scored. Wait no, Marion Barry. Wait no...

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Before we get into Washington D.C. and their beloved D.C. United, let us take a moment to remember the fine moments of last weekend's trip to Montreal.


Now, where were we? Ah, yes, D.C. United. Tonight at 7, you can find me and 30,000+ rowdy Orlando City supporters at the Citrus Bowl screaming, chanting, and serenading the boys in purple as they march toward three points at home on a carpet much more luxurious than that green concrete Montreal played on last week. D.C. United's boys are the unlucky suckers destined to play Washington Generals to our Harlem Globetrotters, but who exactly are these lads from D.C.?

Washington D.C. is home to beautiful landmarks like Capitol Hill, the Washington Monument, and the White House; but it's also home to the same human beings who re-elected Marion Barry after being subjected to footage of him smoking crack in 1990. Even worse than being re-elected four years after his conviction? Merely weeks after his conviction, he received 20% of the vote for a city council seat. Twenty percent of people who voted, picked a man that had reported to a correctional facility to serve a prison term weeks before the election.

Washington D.C., ladies and gentlemen.

This is also the place that put a 14-year-old kid on the field with grown men and expected him to perform at an elite level.

Pretty much sums up his D.C. United career, doesn't it? Close, but no cigar.

D.C. United was once a proud, powerful club in Major League Soccer. The days of Bruce Arena patrolling the sidelines are long gone, however. The team that won three of the first four MLS Cups is now the team that has one playoff appearance in the past seven years. It's been 11 years since the former tyrant of the table won the MLS cup.

To put that in perspective, we were in George W. Bush's first presidential term.

It's been a lot of disappointment since then. The fall of Freddy Adu. Two 20-loss seasons. And of course, this wonderful show of class from the team for which these fans relentlessly cheer.

What's worse, the stamp or defending yourself after the stamp?

Trick question: the answer was re-electing Marion Barry is worse. Always worse.

Things were so bad in Washington for D.C. United, they legitimately went to Baltimore looking for stadium sites when proposals for stadiums in D.C. were repeatedly shut down.

Allow me to repeat myself. They wanted to go to Baltimore, thinking it would be an improvement. Let that sink in.

In 2013, D.C. United hit a new low in MLS play, miraculously managing to lose more games than they scored goals throughout the season. Dwayne De Rosario, Luis Silva, and Kyle Porter tied for the team lead with three goals apiece, as the team scored 22 goals in 34 games. United lost 24 of those games.

They bounced back last season, only to flame out in the MLS Playoffs. Things are off to a good start for United so far this year, having turned two goals into six points in three games, but, unfortunately for them, they're walking right into the Lion's den on national television, and the boys from Orlando are hungry for three points.

Whether you're watching at an official viewing party, from the comfort of your couch, or you're maxing out your vocal chords inside the Citrus Bowl, you can take comfort in knowing at least one thing.

Our boys never preferred Baltimore.