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The Mane Land MLS Power Rankings: Week 8

Did you ever want to know what it was like to party with some MLS head coaches? Here's the skinny: Jay Heaps is crazy, Gregg Berhalter is crazier, Owen Coyle and Peter Vermes get wasted, and Caleb Porter is the buzz-kill.

This was what Jay Heaps looked like late Saturday night. Just on a roof with a fifth of Jack in his right hand.
This was what Jay Heaps looked like late Saturday night. Just on a roof with a fifth of Jack in his right hand.
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Andy Edwards,

Are you crazy? Give Major League Soccer all of the drugs! MLS HQ should look like Jordan Belfort's bachelor party! I don't care if Owen Coyle and Peter Vermes have terrible hangovers next week, if MLS on drugs produces more games like Houston-SKC, I don't ever wanna see MLS sober ever again!

Sincerely,

Me

Did this weekend's goal overload cause you to blackout and forget what happened? Wade Williams is here to tell you all the hilarious stories from a weekend of hard partying in MLS. (Spoiler alert: It was wild. Jay Heaps stood on the roof cackling with a fifth of whiskey in his hand and Gregg Berhalter went streaking in the rain. Then Caleb Porter called the cops and we had to break it up. You suck, Caleb Porter.)

1. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 1)

2. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 2)

For whatever reason, LA-NYRB has become a bit of a transcontinental rivalry in recent years. Considering the big money spent by both clubs on either coast, plus the meeting in the 2011 playoffs (classic MLS "We don't know how to do a playoff yet!" rules twist, where Colorado was put in the Eastern Conference bracket and NYRB was put out West as "Wild Card" teams) and Galaxy v. Red Bulls has become a top-three marquee matchup every year. This week's edition, however, was kind of a dud. A 1-1 draw leaves both teams as is in these Power Rankings.

Alright LA, if Bradford Jamieson and Gyasi Zardes are going to have the same hair-do, all of you need to go all in on it. I want to see Robbie Keane and Bruce Arena sporting the look, too. Arbitrary hygienic show of team unity + The Blonde Mohawk = The Best Team Photo Ever.

3. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 4)

Saw this tweet after Seattle-Portland last night:

Calling that thing a "goal" is Santa Claus-level generous. However ugly the game was, Seattle won and they move up accordingly.

4. DC United (Last Week: 6)

5. FC Dallas (Last Week: 5)

6. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 3)

7. New England Revolution (Last Week: 7)

New England was downright frightening this week. The potential for this team is sky high, just ask Jeff Attinella. As wide open as the East is, if the Revs play like this it may well be theirs.

8. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 9)

9. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 8)

10. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 10)

11. Sporting Kansas City (Last Week: 11)

Whatever was in the water in Houston this week, I want that pumped into every MLS city's water supply ASAP. Considering that Houston and SKC have been a part of three scoreless draws between them, that game was more surprising than Sonny's trip to the toll booth.

12. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 13)

13. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 14)

14. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 12)

I get it, Caleb Porter. You thought passing the ball  from side to side and playing keep away was your best shot to win on the road at Seattle. But, geez, if I see Liam Ridgewell pass to Nat Borchers again I might cry.

15. Toronto FC (Last Week: 18)

Considering that TFC is on a seven-game road trip to start the season, I felt it necessary to put their current form into a little context.

Average Road Points For Playoff Participants Since 2011 (When MLS switched to 34-Game Schedule):

2014: 20.5

2013: 19.6

2012: 21.1

2011: 20.3

TFC have 6 points from 6 road matches. At that pace, the Reds need to steal three extra points on the road and take care of business at home and they should be in contention for the postseason. Considering they haven't played at home yet, and the amount of travel they've had to undertake, I'd say they're doing fine. I take back what I said last week, Greg Vanney shouldn't be on the hot seat, at least not yet.

16. Orlando City (Last Week: 15)

Orlando has the second youngest team in MLS, so you've got to think that confidence at home has become an issue for this squad, considering their current form at the Citrus Bowl. What's the fix? I can't say. The pressure is building on veteran leaders like Donovan Ricketts, Aurelien Collin, and Kaká.

17. New York City FC (Last Week: 16)

Larry Legend is back!

And apparently he forgot how to grip a ball!

18. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 17)

19. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 19)

20. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 20)

Remember when I compared Don Garber to David Stern? I'm now convinced that Garber graduated from the "David Stern Finishing School for Sports Commissioners". If Montreal steals another team's keeper for the CCL Final, this is the MLS equivalent of Stern blocking the Chris Paul to the Lakers trade from 2011.

The Stern-Garber Doctrine: Competitive Balance? Screw Competitive Balance. I'll do what's best for the league regardless of whether it's fair.

JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE!