It's a sad time in Orlando. After having our lunch money stolen in Columbus, it's excusable to feel down in the dumps. Dejected. Angry, even. Of course, what's the easiest way to feel better about yourself? Why, making fun of others, obviously. Let's have a look at the rest of the MLS action from this past week.
In the 21st minute of this midweek draw between NYCFC (1-2-3) and the Union, Vincent Nogueira was given a deserved yellow for acting that would make Days Of Our Lives casting directors cringe when approaching the final third.
It wouldn't take long for Mehdi Ballouchy to show that Philadelphia (1-3-3) wouldn't be the only team with struggles approaching net.
Ballouchy would score in the 57th to give NYC the lead, while C.J. Sapong would equalize just four minutes from stoppage in what surely was a gleefully devastating moment for the Yanks.
After waiting weeks for new DP Innocent to make his presence felt on the pitch, San Jose (3-4-0) was treated to a show, first eating a tackle from Damion Perrinelle, before missing a wide open Chris Wondolowski to put the ball on the keeper.
Following goals from Red Bulls running mates Sacha Kljestan and Mike Grella in front of their hometown New Jersey crowd, Bradley Wright-Phillips was uncharacteristically awful in the box in stoppage time, launching a shot into the stands.
Regardless of the late miss, they're celebrating three points. New York (3-0-2) has the team at Once A Metro still enjoying an undefeated season, while Center Line Soccer sees their losses piling up early.
D.C. United 1 - 1 Houston Dynamo
In just the sixth minute, Alex Lopez blew it wide on a chance that had fans of Houston (2-2-3) banging their heads on the bar.
Later in the first half, a well-built attack up the left side would be ruined for United (3-1-2) when Chris Pontius and Michael Farfan couldn't link up in the box.
Down 1-0 after Chris Rolfe's unsaveable free kick goal in the 22nd minute, Dynamo fullback Kofi Sarkodie did everything he could to set Giles Barnes up for an equalizer.
Well, you can lead a horse to water.
FC Dallas 3 - 2 Toronto FC
Two things are abundantly clear following this one. For starters, Toronto (1-4-0) has some serious, serious problems along the back four.
Just 27 minutes to allow three goals. Funny, I didn't see the "Big Three" anywhere in that clip.
Secondly, Dallas (4-2-1) needs to beef up their security after allowing a Toronto fan to get into maintenance area.
After some bizarre breaks from the action, Dallas would eventually triumph for three points in a game that took over four hours to complete. The Big D Soccer folks are hiding their embarrassment from the stadium mishap while Waking The Red has an opening for competent defenders.
Four minutes into the game, Lamar Neagle of Seattle broke the hearts of Colorado (1-2-3) with an impossible goal off a post-hitting counter attack from Dillon Powers on the other end.
Late in the game and looking for an insurance goal for their 2-1 lead, Seattle (3-2-1) looked to Obafemi Martins to top the jaw-dropping effort that was the opening goal.
The Rapids defense never stood a chance.
Russell Teibert set the tone early for Vancouver (5-2-1) with an aggressive tackle on Olmes Garcia in the opening minutes.
Garcia would later takes his frustrations out on a quality chance by launching the ball into the nosebleeds.
Jamison Olave would let the physical play get the better of him in the 41st, throwing enough of a fit to land himself a booking.
Sebastian Saucedo lost his composure in the second half with a bad tackle on Mauro Rosales.
Mattocks would head in the winner in the 80th, keeping Vancouver on pace at the top of the table at the expense of Real (1-2-3).
Shortly after the goal, the official would get his revenge on Olave with a second yellow in the closing minutes of the match.
Baggio Husidic opened the scoring for the Galaxy (3-2-2) with a rebound off a saved attempt from Stefan Ishizaki.
Former Lion Dom Dwyer started the play that would finish with a classy Krisztian Nemeth equalizer.
Second-half substitute and USMNT representative Omar Gonzalez would prove his worth with a workmanlike effort in the box to press the dagger into KC's (2-2-3) heart.
Philadelphia Union 1 - 2 New England Revolution
The Union would lose in their second match of the week, falling to the Revolution (2-2-2) in a game they largely appeared to be in control of early.
Cristian Maidana showed off his ability on a free kick minutes before the half to emphatically claim the first half for Philadelphia.
Substitute Teal Bunbury would feed a goal off the boot of Charlie Davies to equalize in the 63rd as momentum was swinging back in the Revs' favor.
Not content with bouncing one in off someone else's shoe, Bunbury got to work on his own for the winner in the 76th, receiving service from Diego Fagundez.
New York City 0 - 1 Portland Timbers
New York (1-4-3) couldn't win their second match either, dropping three points to Portland (2-2-3) in front of their home crowd.
In what was essentially the Adam Kwarasey show, New York pressed for goals but were stopped each time in a dominating showing all throughout the match.
Dairon Asprilla repaid Kwarasey's work late in the game with a deflected goal off a cluster of poor play at the top of the box.
The final big moment came in the form of Exhibit D in the game's waning minutes.