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Throwin' Shade: Orlando City Travels to Portland

From Mill Ends Park to Rocky Butte to Portlandia, one thing is true about the city of Portland. It's all disappointing. Time for a little good-natured smack talk for our foes from the Pacific Northwest.

Joe Scarnici/Getty Images

I know what you're thinking. "Wade, after that devastating loss last week, our second straight home loss, how is it possible for you to muster the confidence to throw shade at another club?"

Well, it's pretty simple, folks. We're talking about Portland, home of the Portland Timbers. And, well, Portland sucks.

That's not to say that their fans suck. They've sold out every home game in their MLS existence, always show up rowdy as hell, and the Timbers Army is a legitimate supporters group that the club can be proud of.

That's about all the Timbers can be proud of.

But I mean, it can't be that hard to have good fans in Portland. What else do these people have to do in their free time?

Sure, you could head into the city, enjoy the constant rain and miserable traffic. Maybe head to the Rose Garden Moda Center for a Trail Blazer game. Maybe learn that they're called the "Portland Trail Blazers," not the "Portland Trailblazers" or "Portland TrailBlazers." Perhaps you could take in some of the classic rivalry between prestigious Portland State and the University of Portland. Or, do what most people there do. Leave.

If the Marquam Bridge is too crowded for you to leap from, you could always check out Mill Ends Park. This park is an entire two feet wide, making it the biggest waste of time since Portland was founded in 1851.

You may remember the sitcom Parks and Recreation doing an episode where Leslie Knope created the nation's smallest park, a clear play at the absurdity of wasting government time and resources on such an obviously awful grasp at media attention. Portland, however, is the real deal.

Speaking of TV shows, let's not overlook that many TV shows choose to film in the city. One such show, Leverage, filmed in the city for four years. You can see landmarks of the city throughout the show, like Mary's Club and Big Pink.

The catch? Leverage, in TV land, takes place in Boston. Portland sucks so hard, the TV shows that film there don't even want to claim it.

The one that does, Portlandia, sucks at least as much as the city it gets its name from. It isn't the city's fault, it's Fred Armisen's. Fred Armisen is garbage.

Speaking of garbage, their famed Rocky Butte isn't worth the drive, unless you're interested in used needles and condoms. Nothing says "great outdoors" like getting hepatitis.

Let's not forget their kits.

Yes, that says Alaska Airlines on the front. Not Adidas. Not Daimler Trucks. Not any Portland-based business. Alaska. Gotta love that hometown pride from your local businesses, amiright?

Of course, Caleb Porter is a gentleman and a scholar. I don't have one negative thing to say about the man. Unceremoniously dumping John Spencer in the dead of that fateful 2012 summer was the action of panicking, bumbling ownership, but Caleb Porter can't be blamed just because he's the replacement. That blame lies with the ownership group.

This is the same ownership group that insists its team shares a stadium with a minor league baseball team. Why? Well, they own the baseball team, too.

Ask NYCFC about that.

Before our purple-laden lads of Orlando City SC march down the Oregon Trail into Portland to forcefully bring three points back to the Sunshine State from the ridiculously supported team that's made the playoffs in just 25% of its years of existence, let's remember one thing.

At least our owners are building our soccer team a soccer stadium.